The Burden of Freedom, or What to Do on a Day Off?

Freedom is a burden. It is a desirable burden, a blessed burden, a life-giving and life-enriching burden, but it is a burden nonetheless. Whether the choice is big or small, we earnestly desire the freedom to choose. But being free to choose is a burden, because it makes us responsible for making a good choice. And I find myself confronted head-on with the burden of freedom when I ponder the simple question, "What to do on a day off?"

The Burden of Freedom, or What to Do on a Day Off?

What to Do on a Day Off?

Maybe it is the rarity of having a day off that adds to the pressure I feel to make the most of it. I am usually off on weekends and holidays, but with young children to care for, a day off from work is not necessarily a day off. In fact, after a long weekend with the kids, I've sometimes felt a sense of relief when I go to work after dropping them off at school and day care, and I've heard other parents say the same thing. I am grateful for the time off and try to enjoy my time with my kids, especially when they are small, but it's nice to be able to hear myself think again and not have the constant random noises and requests that you get from young children (who tend to have far more energy and far less self-restraint than their parents).

For that reason, I sometimes take a vacation day without the family. Just me. No wife, no kids, no demands, no complaints, no noise, no interruptions, no nothing. It doesn't happen often, but whenever I have scheduled a "me" day, I really look forward to it.

In the days before my big day off, my mind will wander into endless possibilities of the wonderful things I can do on my day off. When I catch myself doing this, I try to return my attention to the present moment. On top of increasing my dissatisfaction with my present surroundings, thoughts of an upcoming day off produce just the sort of pressure that I am describing. After days and even weeks of pleasant daydreams about the million and one things that I will do on my day off, I feel like I've got to do all of those things in order to make the day worthwhile.

Even planning to "do nothing" can bring this kind of pressure. If I daydream about an upcoming day of rest, a true "Sabbath," then when the day comes, I can actually feel anxious about how much rest I am getting. While I'm sitting around, trying to do nothing, trying to just "be" in the moment, I feel uneasy about the thoughts and concerns that intrude upon my rest. And as the day draws to a close, I find myself wondering whether I'm as rested as I should be.

Or if I've decided to do something I really enjoy on my day off, then I find it difficult to decide exactly what to do with the limited time available. Sometimes I realize I don't know myself as well as I thought I did, and I'm at a loss as to what things I would find most fun and fulfilling. Or I encounter the opposite problem: I have too many things I have put off doing till I could have a day like this, so now that I have a day off, I find I can only do about half of those things, which means I will have to decide which things to do and -- more dreadfully -- which things not to do. I cannot avoid this decision; if I remain indecisive all day, eventually the choice will be made by default to do nothing, or to do only those things that can be done quickly, once I've realized the day is already mostly gone.

The stakes are relatively small, when it comes to deciding how to spend a single day. Nevertheless, the issue is the same in this case as it is with bigger questions in Life. Whether it's what to do on a day off, or what to do with my life in the grand, cosmic sense, the same problem presents itself: the burden of freedom.

The Burden of Freedom: Answering Life's Questions, Big and Small

Maybe that's why I feel anxious when I ponder the question of what to do on a day off. Maybe this little question poses a disquieting reminder of the bigger questions that remain unanswered and, possibly, unanswerable.

If I can't figure out some satisfactory way to spend a single free day, what am I to do with the question of how to spend my life? Who am I to be? What am I to do? What values should I embrace? What goals should I have? How do I experience self-actualization and fulfillment?

As Jean Paul Sartre indicated, in Existentialism Is a Humanism, I cannot escape the burden of responsibility for being the one who must choose; even if I delay or avoid choosing, that would, in itself, be a choice with real consequences.

But maybe I can turn away from the big emptiness and turn towards some sort of Epicurean or Buddhist enjoyment of Life's simple pleasures. Just remember to breathe and to be aware of the wonder and beauty of Life's simple experiences.

"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow, we may die," says Saint Paul to the Romans, arguing that this is the best that people can hope for apart from God, and that such a hedonistic lifestyle is ultimately empty and futile. Paul gives the answer to Humanity's existential crisis as relationship with God through faith in Christ. Yet in Ecclesiastes, Solomon says that everything -- presumably even a life of reverent devotion to God -- is ultimately empty and vain. "Vanity, vanity, all is vanity," and "there is nothing new under the Sun." Whatever has been before, will be again, and again, and again. Whatever is now has simply always been, and always will be. According to Solomon, there's nothing for humans to do, but to derive whatever pleasure they can from eating, drinking, and working, and to reckon this pleasure as a gift from God, to give us relief from the emptiness and dread that pervade our lives.

A scene from a Woody Allen movie -- I think it was Hannah and Her Sisters -- comes to mind. Allen's character is trying to find something substantial with which to fill his existential void. In the end, he determines that Life is worthwhile, if it affords us the opportunity to experience something as fun as the smiles and singing and dancing and laughter that he sees displayed in the Marx Brothers movie that he's watching.

So back to the burden of freedom and the question of what to do on a day off . . . Maybe I'll watch the Marx Brothers.