Should we accept those things that we cannot change, but try to change everything else? I wonder if the Serenity Prayer is too narrow in delineating the things that we should accept in Life, and too broad in prescribing what we should change.
If you've had any experience with recovery groups or twelve-step programs -- or even if you haven't -- chances are that you know the Serenity Prayer by heart. Attributed to Reinhold Niebuhr, who began using the prayer in his sermons in the 1930s, the Serenity Prayer goes like this:
The Serenity Prayer certainly can be very helpful as a mantra and as a continual, much-needed reminder that we are limited in our powers to change the world around us. It certainly is helpful to recognize when something truly cannot be changed, so that you do not waste time and energy trying to change it anyway. And if you find yourself frustrated, sad, or angry about the things that truly cannot be changed, then you are wise to go to work trying to change yourself and your response to those things instead.
Also, it takes Wisdom to recognize the distinction --sometimes a fine and nuanced distinction -- between what you can change and what you can't. You may not be able to change the fact that it's raining, but you can change the fact that you're getting wet by going inside, using an umbrella, or wearing a water-proof poncho.
And, of course, you often need courage to make real changes in your Life. Some changes are relatively simple and straightforward and affect only you, but there are other changes that require you to challenge the expectations that others have of you. If you've habitually had a particular role in relation to someone else, then that other person probably expects you to keep on fulfilling that role, even if you are being harmed by it. Your changes will often make others uncomfortable, and their discomfort can cause them to act angrily towards you. When someone else is making unreasonable demands of you or is actively trying to undermine your efforts to change, you will probably need courage to maintain your resolve and follow through on your plans, especially if your plans involve major Life changes.
So in light of these basic principles about Life and relationships, the Serenity Prayer contains some valuable insight and guidance. However, I wonder if it is actually too narrow.
Should one accept only the things that one cannot change, or should one accept more than that? There are things that we need to change, and that we actually can change, so we should certainly change those things. However, we are rarely confronted with choices that are so clear-cut and self-evident: in real Life, each possible course of action will have very real costs and benefits, and those costs may be borne unfairly by others. Sure, I may have the capacity to change something that would yield a small reward to me, but which would also impose a relatively large cost to someone else, or even to myself, in the long run. Should I change something just because I can?
I feel like the Serenity Prayer can encourage me to be too self-centered. This prayer may reflect a much-needed shift in focus for someone who is terribly co-dependent or overly fatalistic and scared of leaving a bad situation. However, there seems to be a "Golden Mean" (as in ancient Greek philosophy) between being too self-sacrificing and being too self-centered. Maybe something like a "Utilitarian Calculus" is needed to weigh the costs and benefits, to oneself and to others, of potential changes and of the status quo.
The Serenity Prayer assumes a good Will in order to work properly. A person with a bad Will could use it as an excuses or justification to do wrong, as with pretty much everything else. (I guess Immanuel Kant was right that the only truly good thing is a good Will.) Perhaps the prayer should say, "God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things that I cannot, in good conscience, change..."
The Serenity Prayer also assumes sound judgment about cause-and-effect and genuine self-awareness. One lesson that I have been too slow to learn in Life is that my circumstances are not always the problem. In a series of different circumstances, I find that things begin well, but that after some time, I wind up feeling frustrated and resentful. I can always find seemingly legitimate complaints to make about my present circumstances, and changing those circumstances seems like an effective way of dealing with those complaints. But if I stop and ask myself honestly, what is the one constant in all those changing circumstances, what do they all have in common, I could see the answer by looking in the mirror: it's me! I am the problem! Maybe my efforts to change my circumstances would be more fruitful if I first make some much-needed changes in myself: if I confront my feelings of entitlement, ingratitude, selfishness, etc.
I'm reminded of the (true) story of a British periodical asking its readers to submit their responses to the question, "What's wrong with the World?" G.K. Chesterton's response was succinct and to the point: "I am."
Of course, that's something else that we cannot completely change: ourselves. Mature self-acceptance seems to involve admitting to ourselves that we are merely human: imperfect, fallible creatures, who have all kinds of cognitive biases, imperfect perceptions, inaccurate memories, and unpredictable emotions. We can do our best to mitigate those imperfections, but we cannot remove them all.
So maybe the Serenity Prayer should also say, "God, grant me the Serenity to accept myself."
In the end, I do ask God to give me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, as well as some other things, like:
 |
| "To accept the things I cannot change..." |
If you've had any experience with recovery groups or twelve-step programs -- or even if you haven't -- chances are that you know the Serenity Prayer by heart. Attributed to Reinhold Niebuhr, who began using the prayer in his sermons in the 1930s, the Serenity Prayer goes like this:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.
The Serenity Prayer certainly can be very helpful as a mantra and as a continual, much-needed reminder that we are limited in our powers to change the world around us. It certainly is helpful to recognize when something truly cannot be changed, so that you do not waste time and energy trying to change it anyway. And if you find yourself frustrated, sad, or angry about the things that truly cannot be changed, then you are wise to go to work trying to change yourself and your response to those things instead.
Also, it takes Wisdom to recognize the distinction --sometimes a fine and nuanced distinction -- between what you can change and what you can't. You may not be able to change the fact that it's raining, but you can change the fact that you're getting wet by going inside, using an umbrella, or wearing a water-proof poncho.
And, of course, you often need courage to make real changes in your Life. Some changes are relatively simple and straightforward and affect only you, but there are other changes that require you to challenge the expectations that others have of you. If you've habitually had a particular role in relation to someone else, then that other person probably expects you to keep on fulfilling that role, even if you are being harmed by it. Your changes will often make others uncomfortable, and their discomfort can cause them to act angrily towards you. When someone else is making unreasonable demands of you or is actively trying to undermine your efforts to change, you will probably need courage to maintain your resolve and follow through on your plans, especially if your plans involve major Life changes.
So in light of these basic principles about Life and relationships, the Serenity Prayer contains some valuable insight and guidance. However, I wonder if it is actually too narrow.
Should one accept only the things that one cannot change, or should one accept more than that? There are things that we need to change, and that we actually can change, so we should certainly change those things. However, we are rarely confronted with choices that are so clear-cut and self-evident: in real Life, each possible course of action will have very real costs and benefits, and those costs may be borne unfairly by others. Sure, I may have the capacity to change something that would yield a small reward to me, but which would also impose a relatively large cost to someone else, or even to myself, in the long run. Should I change something just because I can?
I feel like the Serenity Prayer can encourage me to be too self-centered. This prayer may reflect a much-needed shift in focus for someone who is terribly co-dependent or overly fatalistic and scared of leaving a bad situation. However, there seems to be a "Golden Mean" (as in ancient Greek philosophy) between being too self-sacrificing and being too self-centered. Maybe something like a "Utilitarian Calculus" is needed to weigh the costs and benefits, to oneself and to others, of potential changes and of the status quo.
The Serenity Prayer assumes a good Will in order to work properly. A person with a bad Will could use it as an excuses or justification to do wrong, as with pretty much everything else. (I guess Immanuel Kant was right that the only truly good thing is a good Will.) Perhaps the prayer should say, "God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things that I cannot, in good conscience, change..."
The Serenity Prayer also assumes sound judgment about cause-and-effect and genuine self-awareness. One lesson that I have been too slow to learn in Life is that my circumstances are not always the problem. In a series of different circumstances, I find that things begin well, but that after some time, I wind up feeling frustrated and resentful. I can always find seemingly legitimate complaints to make about my present circumstances, and changing those circumstances seems like an effective way of dealing with those complaints. But if I stop and ask myself honestly, what is the one constant in all those changing circumstances, what do they all have in common, I could see the answer by looking in the mirror: it's me! I am the problem! Maybe my efforts to change my circumstances would be more fruitful if I first make some much-needed changes in myself: if I confront my feelings of entitlement, ingratitude, selfishness, etc.
I'm reminded of the (true) story of a British periodical asking its readers to submit their responses to the question, "What's wrong with the World?" G.K. Chesterton's response was succinct and to the point: "I am."
Of course, that's something else that we cannot completely change: ourselves. Mature self-acceptance seems to involve admitting to ourselves that we are merely human: imperfect, fallible creatures, who have all kinds of cognitive biases, imperfect perceptions, inaccurate memories, and unpredictable emotions. We can do our best to mitigate those imperfections, but we cannot remove them all.
So maybe the Serenity Prayer should also say, "God, grant me the Serenity to accept myself."
In the end, I do ask God to give me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, as well as some other things, like:
- Those things that I am trying to change, but the changes are taking a lot longer than I'd expected;
- Those things that I am trying to change, but it is a process of trial and error, with more mistakes than successes;
- Those things that I can change, and that I should have changed a long time ago (I need the Serenity to accept what I cannot change about the Past);
- Those things that I can change, but the opportunity cost would be prohibitive (i.e., I would be wise to expend my time and resources changing other things first, or I would be wise to accept things as they are, for the sake of some greater good); and
- Those things that I want to change now, but I have not yet completed the preparations that I need to take care of first (i.e., changing now would mean poor timing or trying to short-change the process).
So although I do need the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, I also need Serenity to accept other things that I probably can change, but shouldn't, at least right now. And, of course, I also need the wisdom and honesty to recognize when not changing, or delaying change, is warranted, and when I'm just making excuses. (But that's a whole other topic...)
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